1:57am, Wednesday the 27th of April. I DID get that job in *Hawthorn (*Malvern, the chick at DSA just told me the wrong suburb, they bump shoulders though so who can blame her?), I have moved out of home, I did start a new belly dancing class and that’s it so far for my list of things I wanted to achieve this year. The year’s not over and I’m quietly confident the rest will be done.
So, what’s it like? I mean, really what’s it like? Well … it’s hard. I’m currently living in Eltham in this beautiful house, renting it from the Lindsays who are the most generous and thoughtful landlords anyone could ever ask for. I just live with my Zoe. No house mates to sit around having late night wines and chats with. But also no house mates to get infuriated by. I wonder if I’ll always miss that opportunity? Why do we exist anyway?
Hmmm. I miss gardening. I miss Marion and Pam. I miss my old job and the delightful patients my parents looked after. I miss Japers. I miss mum & dad. I miss Katie, Dan & Jack. I miss Highton and the endless walks I’d always take myself and the dogs on. I miss my old room. I miss my Geelong friends. I miss being a part of a community that I knew from birth and loved and felt loved by, despite being more or less anonymous. I still miss Jenkins. I miss home. And who knows when I’ll ever get that back. Aren’t I a prat? Thinking I’m ‘homeless’ when there are people out there who actually are homeless. At least I get a roof over my head. In fact, I’ve got much much more. All you could ever need, functionally. But that feeling of home. Only now that I’ve left do I realise the chasm within me that won’t ever be filled. I live in a house and all my material possessions are inside it. But where will I ever find the home I long for?
Why couldn’t I have seen this coming? Everything else I can cope with. And yeah, I’m coping with not having a home. But it’s so damn hard.
So to my fellow blog readers, please help me. How do you make your house a home?
It’s not all hard though. And to prove it, check this out: ALL of my showering stuff is now kept IN the bathroom. Yeah! And my chocolate stash won’t ever diminish in size because there’s no Clever Fingers around. I never close the bathroom door when I’m in there, purely because I’ve no fear of someone walking in on me. In fact, I can walk about upstairs in my awesome room surrounded by trees, butt naked, and oft do. Because no one can see inside. I do my washing and my washing only. I have three towels and I rarely wash/use all of them at once (I have a thing about too many towels). I DO have that sense of independence that I’ve longed for for years. All the money I earn is money coming from people who aren’t my parents. I got this job on my own merits. And even though it’s crap and I’m not fond of it, I got it. And I can look after myself. Free. Independent. Lonely. A bit sad. Poor. In love.
I do like a good challenge! I’m off to sleeps now, this was really only a blog for me so apologies for not even trying to make it entertaining. But … yeah. I struggle sometimes. But I’ll get there.
