Anyone who knows me slightly well knows that I LOVE trees. I’m not a dendro or anything, I just love them. I love everything about them, I find them humbling and beautiful. Aweinspiring and leafy. They make me feel secure. Conversely, places without trees make me feel edgy. And I feel a deep sadness every time I see that one I’ve grown up with has been cut down. It takes hours to cut down one massive tree. It takes decades for one massive tree to grow. It also makes me angry.

I opened my very first bank account with the National Australia Bank when I was 11. Dad thought it would be a good idea to become savvy with banks at a young age and for about 6 months, I used to walk down to the li’l Highton branck to deposit and withdraw the pittance that I had. I was impressed by Dad’s bank book, all those instances it had been stamped made my bank book look very amateur. I think I had a grand total of twelve stamps before I decided to stop going there. Not even an entire page.

Bendigo Bank became my bank of choice. I like Bendigo Bank. Bendigo Bank is a good bank. But I digress.

I had $4.52 in that NAB bank account for ten years that I never touched. And every month I got a bank statement informing me of my account details and my $4.52. Until one day, earlier this year, I got a bank statement from the NAB and it said I had $0.00. I don’t know where my $4.52 went. I’m sure that that money along with the $2.00 surcharge fee that all NAB ATM’s charge anyone when they withdraw money has gone to a good place though, so I’m not worried!

I rang the NAB that day I got that letter to tell them to close my acount, what’s the point in having it open, really? I mean, I haven’t accessed it for over a decade and there’s no money in it.

So, I rang and I was put in a queue. And another and another and another ’til I got through to some daft bitch who after wasting 40 minutes of being put on hold, told me I have to go into my branch myself to close it, she can’t do it over the phone.

So, I went into the li’l Highton NAB branch and I said “Please close my account, I don’t want anymore paper wasted letting me know I have no money. I’m already aware of that. Also, I haven’t been here for over ten years. Also, you’re killing trees letting me know I have no money in an account I don’t ever use”. And the lady I talked to was very understanding and said “I’ll close your account, you WILL get one more letter from us but it will just be for your records, confirming that your account has been closed.” – I didn’t want that letter either but I got it and up until today, I haven’t thought about the NAB.

Up until today I hadn’t heard from them since receiving my confirmation letter.

I come home from work to find a letter from the NAB.

Can you believe it? The li’l Highton branch is closing and relocating to Belmont. And they’re letting ME know? I don’t give a rats ass. I’m no longer affiliated with the NAB. Or AM I?? So, I called the NAB, hung up before it connected realising the error of my ways, and went to the li’l Highton branch and stormed up to the counter and this is what transpired:

Suzy: “I got this letter today and I closed my account months ago. So, why did I get this letter?”

Bank Teller: “You closed your acount?”

Suzy: “Yes.”

Bank Teller: “You no longer have an account here?”

Suzy: “That’s right.”

Bank Teller: “I don’t know why … if you closed your account … “

Bank Teller then confirms the account is closed on the computer.

Bank Teller: “You’re still on our database. All your details are still there.”

Suzy: “I don’t want me details sent on to this new branch in Belmont. I don’t want to be sent letters about the NAB anymore. It’s a complete waste of paper.”

Bank Teller: “Well, it’s on the system, it’s all automated. I’ve got no say in it, so …”

Suzy: “So … I’m expected to keep hearing from the NAB even though I’ve no business with you whatsoever?”

Bank Teller: “It’s out of my control, it’s all automated.”

Suzy: “You can’t delete my details?”

Bank Teller: “No.”

And that was the end of that. I swear to God if I hear from NAB again I’m going to burn down thier brand spanking new Belmont branch. Sure, it’s ironic in that I’m burning it down as a protest to stop them from wasting paper and cutting down trees, our natural CO2 storers, and hence contributing harmful CO2 into the atmosphere during the burning … wait … is that irony? Whatever, it’s the principle of the thing.

I couldn’t even get angry at that Bank Teller because it’s “out of her control”. So, I got to thinking, even if the system’s automated some jive sucker has to put those automated letters in to envelopes and then post them, computers don’t do that. Surely thier banking programs could have a “delete client” function. The programs we use at work do. They become completely irretrievable. And if thier programs don’t have that function, surely they can update the current program to allow for that?

I am only one angry ex-client of the NAB. But how many others are there with reams of bank statements that have come from being a client of theres for more than 12 years?? How much paper are they going to waste? How many more trees need to be cut down for no good f*cking reason? How many have already been cut down for no good reason? And this is only one bank. Take a moment to think of all the other companies that waste paper … it’s a wonder we have any trees left.

Thinking like this makes me angry I need to lie down.

In conclusion, the NAB sucks and I HATE THEM!

Bendigo Bank good.

CBS great.

* sound gun shot *