So, we have this spare car. Let’s just call him Ultimate Poor Guy.

And one time about a month ago, Ultimate Poor Guy broke down in Warrandyte. But that’s ok, because UPG got fixed in a place in Wantirna. It cost $512. They gave UPG a new alternator and a new fuel pump. But then one time, two weeks later, UPG broke down on the Geelong Bypass at 1am. I got home at 5am because the bypass is shiney and new, much like the fuel pump was. Because the bypass is shiney and new, it’s hard for women on the phone from RACV to tell the men who drive trucks for RACV to come find us. It’s also hard for men who drive tows hard to find us too but that’s ok because they got the car to Harold Salt’s, King of Trustworthy Mechanics (thanks Crommo for recommending him, seriously that man is a saint, Harold Salt that is ).

$180 later, UPG was fitted with a new, reliable fuel pump! So I decided to get my car, The Beast, serviced from Harold Salt because I like Harold Salt. $140 later, Matt and I had 2 old, yet reliable cars under our belts!

And then last night, Matt and I were driving home from Melbourne and it was dusk and the battery light came on on Ultimate Poor Guy. But he was handling smooth so I didn’t think too much about it. But then I put on the lights and Ultimate Poor Guy didn’t like that too much so I switched off the lights and very, unsafely, drove home in the dark. Well, I almost drove home. We got onto La Trobe Terrace, 15 minutes away from home and had to stop at the lights at the intersection of Bell Parade and La Trobe. I’d changed from the very left lane to the very right lane at this stage as I was planning on getting off the highway when the chance came so that I could take less dangerous streets all the way home. But Ultimate Poor Guy decided to conk out. We got fifty metres away from that intersection. But it was OK because I had my phone and I called my dad.

But dad didn’t answer the phone. So I phoned home and John rung around to find either one of my folks (I would’ve done it but my phone battery was about to die). In the space of five minutes, a nice man in a ute with a trailer attached stopped behind us to help us push UPG into the very left lane where we would be in a suitably more safe position. And in the space of a further two minutes, a lady in a 4wd slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting the man with the ute and trailer. It was ok, she didn’t hit the trailer.

But the woman that was  driving behind the woman in the 4wd slammed on her brakes and ran up the back of her. And then the girl that was driving the car behind the woman who smashed into the back of the 4wd smashed into the back of the woman who smashed into the back of the 4wd. But it was ok, because two police cars came by and had their pretty red and blue flashing lights going mental and that made the whole night very nice although it didn’t stop me from bawling my eyes out. But it was ok, because I was wearing a shirt with long sleeves and I could wipe my eyes and snotty nose on it.

The tall policeman came to talk to me and I was scared because I thought I was going to get into trouble. He looked at me square in the eye and I was a blubbery mess and then he said in a big, deep voice “Are you ok, young lady?”. He didn’t want to know my name or my licence number and he said it was not my fault. He said it was good in a way because no one got hurt but I still felt very guilty. He said I should go home with this nice young man (meaning Matt) and get him to pour two glasses of whiskey,  one for me, and one for him (the tall policeman).

Ultimate Poor Guy is now at the ever reliable, ever trustworthy Harold Salt’s. I rang Harold Salt this morning to let him know what happened last night and he said he had a look at Ultimate Poor Guy and can you believe it? The alternator doesn’t charge the battery properly. The brand spanking new alternator and fuel pump that got fixed in Wantirna only a month ago caused Ultimate Poor Guy to brake down twice. And Ultimate Poor Guy has cost me a total of $850. I’m going to try and get the $500 back from the mechanics in Wantirna though because I think they’re a bit dishonesty. I think I’ll be really angry when I speak to the mechanics in Wantirna. I think they’re not good mechanics. I think they’re not good mechanics at all.

END!